Author: Ryan@educationandfaith.com

At the beginning of every great story the hero is weak and ill equipped. At the end, he is strong and resourceful. What happens in between is the transforming process and the details that make us connect with stories.

Like the hero, I believe every greatly respected professional has taken advantage of transforming opportunities in their career. I don’t claim to have arrived as a greatly respected professional and I haven’t been coined a hero, but I did start in the same place as the hero. I once was a weak and ill equipped teacher and in some ways still am. Allow me to fly you through the transforming journey  of my first 11 years in the classroom.

Teacher Types

I’ve journeyed through each of these styles and I now try to exemplify the the teacher types that are best for today’s students.

There are many different styles in the classroom. One’s style is determined by what the teacher believes to be her students’ needs.

• One might determine that her students’ lives lack structure and self-control, resulting in a “You will follow the rules” Teacher.
• A teacher might feel the student needs to, above all, learn the content of the curriculum. Thus resulting in a “You need to know this” Teacher.
• One might feel their students need to like and enjoy their teacher in order to learn, developing the “You will think I’m cool” Teacher perspective.
• Another educator may feel that first a student must feel safe and cared for in order to learn, which creates the “You are loved” Teacher.

The Early Years

“The Early Years” makes me sound either accomplished or elderly, of which I’m neither. My first few years of teaching was about building a reputation. I was insecure in my ability so I obviously formed myself into the “You will think I’m cool” Teacher. I told myself that students liking me would bridge the gap left by the infancy of my teaching craft. The nature of teaching doesn’t allow a new teacher to catch his breath and reflect until at least the third year. This reflection morphed me into my next teaching style.

Gaining Control

The first portion of my career was laced in selfishness. I wanted to be liked and my reflection revealed something about the teacher I was. Wanting to be liked caused me to forfeit much control and authority in my classroom. In walked “You will follow the rules” Teacher! I developed a numbing class routine paired with stern discipline policies. Classroom management is a wonderful thing because it affords avenues for consistent learning! While I had control, I lacked understanding of curriculum and instruction. My class was well behaved but there wasn’t much deep learning going on. It’s Interesting how the trail of my deficiencies have shaped the teacher I am today.

Becoming a Teacher

Now that I’d arrived as a Cool Guy with control of a classroom, it was time to actually become a professional. Yes, I’d learned strategies and was a hunter and gatherer of resources and teaching tools.

As you move further into your career you either become isolated into one of these teachers or you become a combination of a couple. I’m hoping to be both the “You are loved” and “You need to know this” Teacher. The more I myself learn the content of English Language Arts and work to design the ideal curriculum, a deeper love for my subject area is formed. The same can be true for my students. The more I learn about their lives, interests, and families, the more I want my students to know their unquantifiable value!

Let Your Job Work for You

I get to spend my days participating in a pretty amazing job. So amazing that it actually has the ability to speak into and impact other facets of my life.

We spend so much of our life at work. I sure hope we allow it to transform us into better people. Too often the professional journey is on the attack with stress, envy, and bitterness. This dismantles not only the professional but the whole being.

If we spend enough time at a job we start calling it a career. If we spend enough time at a career we want to call it a legacy. If we have a job, career, or legacy it better be working for us individually.

This post is a follow up to “The Three Emotions Every Student Brings to School”

Grief is not an easy concept to understand. It confounding presence frustrates me. But it’s visible in every being, so we must approach it.

Grief is simply loss. Loss of anything, from the loss of my favorite Pilot G2 pens that my students keep snagging, to the loss of a loved one’s life.

Why Children Are Grieving

More than anything, I notice my middle school students grieving the loss of themselves. They are unable to be true and genuine. This is due to a variety of factors: homelife, puberty, insecurities, fractured friendships, etc. Really the source of this loss of self doesn’t matter. Social worker and researcher Brene Brown put it this way, “The absence of love, belonging, and connection always leads to suffering.”

Our kids are suffering and grieving. Every student, at some point in her day, questions her belonging. As this continues the child formulates her reasoning. She concludes, “because I’m lacking in love, belonging, and connection, I must lack value and worth.”

Oh, and in addition to losing their authenticity and losing their self-worth, our children have another reason to grieve. Childhood is the continuous process of losing innocence. With every birthday marking a year has passed, so does it mark the innocence that has slipped away. This can go on for decades, like the tide slowly receding back into the hungry ocean, only innocence isn’t returning as the high tide, it’s been swallowed and digested by the sin in our world.

Anne Lamott describes this change in Hallelujah Anyway:

We developed knowledge of our defects, our self-centeredness, our disagreeable ways, what some might call original sin, and it yapped at us–God forbid, people would find out who we were. We were going to fall or be pushed off the ledge, and our underpants were going to show. Some of us thought about jumping. As babies, we staggered and fell on padded bottoms, giggled, drooled, and grinned, and everyone was charmed and laughed. Boy, not anymore. Hormones kicked in with dark desires.

In the book she later sums up the idea, “Anything that leaves you more fearful, more isolated, more disconnected from other people, more full of judgment or self-hatred, is not of God, does not follow the Rule of Love—and you should stop doing it.”  

So, it appears our children have reason to grieve.

Teaching Kids to Grieve Well

I would guess that almost all elementary kids and a good portion of middle school children are not familiar with the word “Grief”. I only began truly processing loss as a man in my mid-thirties.

Recognize Loss

As adults and parents we do everything we can to protect and shelter our kids from loss. I’m as guilty as anyone in this case. I’ll do whatever I can to prevent my son’s cheaply made toys from breaking, just so he doesn’t suffer the loss of one of them. I’ve also hidden the topic of sickness and disease in order to avoid tough questions and difficult conversation.

When maybe we should let them be a part of the conversation and experience. Maybe we can model grieving well by simply communicating our own losses. Let’s help our child by recognizing the losses they’re facing.

Affirm their feelings

This technique I’ve only acquired due to repeated informal training from my wife, a social worker. In any situation, but especially grief, we must show kids that what they’re feeling is okay. We must tell them,

“I would feel very angry too if my good friend moved away.”

“Son, I understand why you’re frustrated that I packed you a healthy lunch and many of your friends had delicious, sugar-filled foods.”

“I can see why you’re sad and upset, that you’re running errands with my while all your neighbor friends are playing outside together.”

I’ve learned that affirming their emotions doesn’t fix the problem, and it is not a fun, and it doesn’t make the feelings go away. That’s not the purpose. But, it does develop an individual who is self-aware and empathetic.

If you’re unsure about the necessity of this, read anything by social worker and researcher Brene Brown. I’ve learned a lot from her work.

Show Compassion

We can only play the long game when responding to the social-emotional needs of our children. When we attempt to take shortcuts, our kids get confused. Because our society has not recognized the loss and affirmed the feelings in our children, today’s youth equate any emotion to depression. These same kids make irrational, and illogical decisions because they can’t make sense of their emotions.

We must show them compassion. If we look at the etymology of the word, it’s made up of parts meaning, “together” and “with great force”. Respond to our kids this way and we’ll raise emotionally healthy individuals.

This is one of the four traits I focus on in my brief ebook for parents and teachers. Get it here.

Brene Brown puts it this way in Daring Greatly, “The absence of love, belonging, and connection always leads to suffering.”

Read about the emotion of Fear in our children here.